Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Happy Birthday, Momma.


The genius of the beauty of the stars

Is not the stars;

But is the space

That stands behind like black velvet,

Showcasing the stars

Like scattered diamonds.

What beauty:

That each brilliant shard

Must for a moment glow,

Then fade to black,

To become the background-

The beauty-

Of the birth of another star.


Momma,

I wonder why I didn't ask you how to make biscuits, how to give piano lessons, where you ran to when all four kids under five years were grumpy at the same time, how you could stand to make dinner every single night for 20+ years with a smile, what it was like to be a young wife and a young mother, what you thought of Chad when we were dating, and how it felt to be looking at earth and heaven at the same time. I wonder why I didn't record your voice singing familiar songs, why I didn't write down all the recipes you never wrote down, why I didn't take more pictures of you, and why I didn't tell you every day in those last months how very, very much I love you. There are always regrets.

However, even more reassuring to me is this: that your girls (myself included) spent late nights in your room talking about silly and important things alike, that you were home every day when we walked into the house to hear our latest news, that (hopefully) you never doubted how much we liked to have you along for firesides/meetings/activities because you were always there with us, that I knew you were the most wonderful mother I could have been given, and that I told you I loved you often enough that--despite missed opportunities--you already knew it. I am grateful that we knew enough to appreciate you and Dad, even as difficult teenagers; that our relationship was one of love. It is comforting to know the peace far outweighs the regret.

And I'm sure you know now, with the privilege of keeping a heavenly eye on us, how much more I miss you now--when I'm in the ER with my crazy child; in my disbelieving of your equanimity with seven when sometimes one is enough to send me over the edge; and when I ponder upcoming baby blessings, home projects and stressful parenting days. I begin to realize that there's a never-ending list of questions I didn't know I'd want to ask you. But I remember watching you, and I find countless lessons of wisdom in the memories. So Happy Birthday to my immortal mother--to one of the very brightest stars to fill my sky! And if I shine at all, it is because you are my background!

3 comments:

  1. Happy birthday aunt Julie! I love her and think of her often. She is definately looking down on you and I know she's proud of the mother you've become Charity!

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  2. Okay, this made me cry! And I'm assuming you wrote that poem too -- Wow! Julie was a great role-model to me as a mother, and I'm so glad her daughters have grown up to be like her! Could you copy your post and email it to Gpa, I know he'd love to read it. We enjoyed seeing you and Coren in Murrietta!

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  3. your mother knew all of those things you wished you had told her. and the gift she gives you now is her undying love and temporary goodbye kiss to your unborn children. so wonderful to know her, and her wonderful offspring...YOU!! her example is with me every day of my life, and her influence a great strength for me. happy birthday, darling sister, and friend...julie.

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