Classifieds/Personals

To the handsome gentleman looking for his missing wife:

Five feet, nine inches. Crazy strawberry blonde hair. Blue eyes. 

One hundred seventy-ish pounds.

I may have found her.

I can’t be sure. There are a few characteristics that don’t quite fit…

“Patient and sweet.” Doubtful.

“Keeps the house clean.” From what I have seen….??

“Great in bed.” Umm….

“A thrill to be around.” Could this really be the same person?!

Still, the physical description fits. And she does answer to the name Charity. 

And perhaps the lost characteristics are a direct result of her displacement.

Quite frankly, she seems more trouble than she’s worth. 

And you appear to be a rather tall drink of water (literally and figuratively)…

What I’m saying is, you could do better.

But as you seem to be in earnest about finding her, here’s my deal:

I can’t in good conscience return the sad version of your wife 

I stumbled upon in my garage.

I will take the half-wife that I have, and I will comb the county over 

until I find the other half.

A great guy like you deserves the complete package, 

not the sad semi-imitation this wife seems to be.

And I will personally deliver to your door, by this evening, 

the patient, sweet, tidy, thrilling, vixen of a wife 

you’ve been missing the last few weeks.

In one hundred percent tip-top shape.

Guaranteed.

And if she isn’t the wife you’re looking for, well, 

we’re having a garage sale this weekend.

Drop her off on my curb.

Sincerely,

A concerned acquaintance… 

who’s madly in love with you and thinks you deserve better.