Resolutions....

The word makes me a little intimidated. And so I procrastinated a little. Just a little. Until about halfway through January.

Then I started to get intimidated by some other words: "I am so thoroughly convinced that if we don't set goals in our life and learn how to master the techniques of living to reach our goals, we can reach a ripe old age and look back on our life only to see that we reached but a small part of our full potential." -M. Russell Ballard

And so, about halfway through January, I set my New Year's Resolutions. And I wrote them down. And I did it in a fairly nerdy way....

I broke my goals up into four categories: spiritual, physical, family and talent (yeah, I know, those don't flow very fluidly together, but it works for me). Then I chose a goal for each category. Then, beneath each goal, in proper outline form (wow, it is nerdy!), I wrote out "sub-goals", i.e. the specifics of my goals and the smaller steps I need to take to reach the goal, with appropriate calendar deadlines where it applies.

And then I took a look at my goal outline/yearly plan--essentially, this is what I'm doing, right? Planning my year?--and I was immediately overcome with two very powerful feelings:

1. Elation. "Wow!" I thought. "Look at this! I'm going to be a powerhouse by the end of the year! Look at everything I will have accomplished! I will be unstoppable!" And I reveled for a moment in my goals--each one deliberately thought out, calculated to stretch but not overwhelm me. It felt really fantastic, to see them written out there, in black and white, with my own how-tos and completion dates and even the occasional helpful pointer. I was proud of myself, and relieved to have given them real dimensions, rather than leaving them as nebulous ideas ("I want to be healthier. I want to work on my talents. I want to spend more quality time with my kids" etc).

And then.... 2. Fear. Almost kind-of heart-stopping, paralyzing fear. "Holy smokes!" I thought. "What in the world am I thinking?! Need I remind myself that I'm having Offspring #3 this year? That means three little people to take care of all day! When am I planning on doing all of this? And geez, why did I write the blessed things down? Don't I know that means that I'm accountable now, because I actually gave them definition?" And I started to panic, already projecting when and why my failure date would come.....

And then I took a deep breath, and I thought again of Elder Ballard's quote. Do I want to reach that ripe old age and look back and realize I didn't make real all the dreams I had at this time of my life? Because I was making excuses?! Like how I'd have so much more time when..... when? When am I magically going to have more than 15-18 waking hours in a day? When am I suddenly going to find myself without obligations of one kind or another?

Or really, more honestly, when am I going to wake up having magically absorbed the ganas that I'm lacking. That's what I'm really waiting for, isn't it? The day when I suddenly feel that "up-and-at-em" spirit the moment I get out of bed. Except nobody just has that. I don't think even the movers-and-shakers of the world just had that feeling one day. I think they made themselves have it, every morning, when their blasted alarm was going off at 6:00am again! And they thought about the hard work they'd have to put into their kid-raising and their writing and their neighborly service and their whatever that day. And maybe they groaned a little. Then they got up and did it.... and did it better and better every day! And that's what we all have to do, to be powerful potential-reachers one day.

So I have my goals for the year. The ones that are challenging but attainable. The ones that I thought and planned knowing I had another little dude coming. Knowing that I'd have to pull myself out of bed earlier than I really like to. Knowing that I'd have to give up some of my coveted kid-nap-time/mommy-movie-time to study and write and practice and stretch and grow. And yep, I'm still intimidated. But I'm kicking the fear out of bed. Because at the end of 2012, I want to see, for myself--because, really, what do my goals matter to anyone else?--a change in myself: In my abilities and confidence, my relationship with my lover and kiddos, and my own sense of worth and daily peace. I want to look back, when I start thinking about goals for 2013 (when I'll be thirty, by the way--yikes!), and say, "Wow! Look at everything I accomplished last year! I was--I am--a powerhouse!"

So, really, my overall goal for 2012: Become a Powerhouse! And I know how.... Now bring on the hard part....